he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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