i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
