Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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