dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
