morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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