so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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