Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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