My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
