There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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