Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
