things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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