Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
