He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
