I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
bring money and cleavage
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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