dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
