can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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