Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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