No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
