I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
