you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
