I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
