Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
last night I used snow as a chaser
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
