I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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