I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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