I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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