He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
