The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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