I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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