The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
