she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
