I'm drive I can fine osifer
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
