Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
why is half of my head shaved?
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