If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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