Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
