Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
