from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
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A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
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Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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