Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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