if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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