first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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