How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
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His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
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