My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
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He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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