Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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