Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
