I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
