New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
