imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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