I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Randomize
