She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize