My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
