life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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