Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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