Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
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shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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