I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
