Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Randomize
