Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
