when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
