just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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