just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
