My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
