please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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