got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
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HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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